Where focus goes, energy flows, and results show

let's see, where was i 18 weeks ago? probably back on this computer in miami stressing about leaving for israel. i was so nervous to come here, i wasn't sure what i was getting myself into. i had to do it though because i've been through so many involuntary changes and have made lives out of them, why couldn't  volunteer for this oppurtunity to change my life... i was only comfortable with my new found summer life back in miami. this summer was so full of independece, infatuations, new awakenings and the fucking mall. my life was coming together so beautfully before and after graduation until i totalled my car two days after... it was really a horrible experience but for some reason i never felt too bad about it.. i knew it was a sign from above telling me i need to slow down...literally.. so i did for  a few good weeks trying to readjust my head..
by the way i'm sitting here on my couch in my cotch apartment in Rishon LeZion merkaz... sitting next to the beautiful lisa from geneve explaining to her all about live journal...i'm also very satla סתלה... מסטול פציצןת...

so really as great as my story was planning to sound about where i've been for the past 3 months, i must go shower and now and go to bed... work tomorrow eem h'yeledim..

to continue machar

August 25 is just around the corner and i'm freaking out. Not freaking out loud, but freaking out. I'm so scared to leave I don't know what happened. I was so high off of Israel when I came back but it's been this Miami i've gotten comfortable with. I've been back here since January 2007 from the Carrrrrolinas. Another change another change- ironic since this one was my decision. But, I know it's going to be the best thing in my life and i'm going to have so much fun and life changing experiences because the only one i got down here was realizing the backside of the Aventura mall. Ugh lol I am so happy to break away from that mess. 9 months is a long time.

you mean, do i think i'm better then weighing tea? sure. i wont be there forever.

wow. i don't think i've been this busy since... well.. since.. i've ever been that involved with school... which is new to me on my last month of school...sort of.
my fortune cookie said to expect surprises, and i can't believe my choir teacher, who hates me, yells at me because i never show up only because she totally discouraged me to... gave me a solo to sing Hairspray at the concert, and i'm being inducted into the international choir society.. that's not the name of it but i don't know what the real one is.. and i get a medal. 
i get two songs by myself in Cinderella and i have the band and some success with those standardized tests..
the only dissatisfaction of my day was galitzer giving me a referral..
the lady thought i wasn't showing any of remorse for the situation so she went straight to the consequence and then i straightened up and started blabbing to her about taking accountabilty for my behavior and bla bla bla emotional growth boarding school has taught me so well so she took off one of my points..
well there goes all my weekday freedom of relaxing at home but this is fun and i'm looking forward to it all...
i rearranged the part of your world song from the little mermaid into some jewish fun for extra credit for english, i had to sing it and that would basically make up for a quiz i failed:

look at this book, isn't it neat
wouldn't you think His collection's complete?
wouldn't you think he's the jew
the jew who knows everything

look at this pussuk as history unfolds
how many wonders can the messiah hold?
looking over us you'd think
sure . he knows everything
he's got bibles, gamoras, and mishna's
he knows who his face moshe and pharaoh
you want talmud you say?
ive got forty

but stop there, no big deal, theres always more
i wanna be were the israelites were
i wanna see, wanna see them workin
i wanna know how abraham felt
when he had his brit milah???

flippin' your coins you don't get too far.. moneys required for circle dances..........


and that's all i got... maybe if i finish it he'll just pass me now.

ok diary, thanks for listening.

I finally got my results back from the SATs and  went up significantly in the math- so I can go to FIU or FAU now.... 

and now I don't want to go to FIU or FAU... I still don't know what i'm going to do. I really want to leave!!!
I need to prioritize my feelings but  I can't right now. They're all fucked up.  I wish I could actually listen to everyone elses advise, but I can't... I just know I want to stop the bull shit in my life for real, and I don't want to be looking for a relationship anymore, i'm just gonna kick back. i have a lot of more important things i can be focusing on right now other than a boy. any boy for that matter... 


i think i just decided. i don't care anymo.

It's hard to describe
what's in my head. What I think, what I feel. What I want to show, what I want people to know...
Why I act certain ways, why I don't do certain things...
Why I am so unpredictable, and when people think that I don't think, it's only because I choose not to acknowledge.. but i'm all there....

Now, if only I could describe that.. and people could see it.

Basically, this morning was so completely crazy for me and i'm still running on a wire because I don't know if i'm off the hook.
Today was the day at Hillhell, so I decided not to go...and keep in mind, skipping in my household is like committing a sin.. horrible
and I haven't skipped since last year and that was the worst experience...
So I stayed up last night, figured i'd just wake up, pretend like i'm going to school, come back home, sleep for a bit and then study...
what happens? I oversleep. My dad is already breathing down my neck, "Lauren!!! you're late!"
haha okay okay i'll be gone in 10 min...I didn't even have my full uniform on, and I looked like complete shit as I was thinking, he can't possibly think i'd go to school like this?

So I go... I drive by my school.. turn around, go sit in a parking lot on dixie, call my friend... she's going to school, okay, fine...
I text my other friend, I don't hear back from him right away...
Then I see my dads car pass by me and I got really scared so I flew by it and took a short cut to my school to see if he would come because i'm paranoid and he did that last year...
I sit in my parking lot for like 10 min, walk around the J... then I just decide to go back home.
I'm about to turn in from 163 and I see what looks like our other car pulling out!!! and I kept going straight and I got scared again and i swear I almost flew into a car to avoid the site of him!! and it turns out being an old woman!!!!

SO
finally
i'm home... 10 min later
Allison and my other friend both call me and confirm that my school did what it was supposed to do today and they both came over...
We went to Romero's and a few other kids from school showed up and we all had a session...
I couldn't enjoy it because I felt so fucking guilty.. haha
So they all went to my friends, and I went home.. went to pick something up at the mall with the intention of going to Borders to study after wards...never happened
Came home. Passed out.
Now i'm awake, i've wasted a day...
and I basically have to guard the house phone tonight....

not to mention buy some clorox... yes, we're idiots...

>.>

I was having fun all day at work yesterday until I came home and it was like WHAM.. I feel like shit.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
and I had a shitty day.
school grades colleges SATs school grades colleges SATs...
I thought about everything I had stopped doing and all the bad habits I picked back up
I hadn't been to the gym in at least a month and a half and I wasn't exercising at all. My grades are slippin, and i've seemed to have made drinkin that coolaid a nightly routine..=\

and today i had a really good talk and i tried very slowly to start pulling my head out of my ass.
vera and i went to the gym and we're going to work on keeping a consistent schedule of monday, wednesday, and friday.
i'm gonna keep my shit in it's little faux coach bag behind all my papers in my closet, and when i'm done playing online, study for my grammar quiz.

FIU or community college, i'm going to pull my B minuses back to pluses and strive for some A's... (now we're getting too excited)

Can this last or is this my endorphins talking/typing?...
stop thinkin' it's over when it's just starting and everyday is a new beginning

you know! 

i think i might have been a taaad over dramatic at the time of my last entry. thing's are shaping up.
they always do.
after all, we're all in control of our lives and i know inevitably i occasionally dig myself or stumble upon a hole,  a very deep dark one..and i can live in it for days, weeks...sooner or later i find my way out.
THANKS MBA! lol
i tend to go to extremes..

i took my SAT's today...AGAIN... and i think/hope it went well.. i popped an aderdol once i was read off the standby list and oh my ga.. i didn't space out during those long incomprehensible fucking dreadful articles that no one can stand..
my last SAT.. i would start thinking about the weirdest things during the stories and then i didn't finish the sections!!
damnit i did today though
however the ONLY section i always way drastically score the highest is writing..
my topic was something like "do people follow trends or stick to old traditions"..
i filled up all the lines on keeping tradition with good old judaism but the trend of kabbalah..
how the mac's revived from the dead. how stupid starbucks customers are, and how "tea is the new fashion"  even though stupid assholes like to hear my WHOLE ENTIRE schpeal on tea.. and throw their sample away and leave..

the funny thing is, i just felt like admitting to my dad i took it, 5 minutes later he calls me back and tells me he's proud that i was honest. lol. "hey dad, btw.. i also..................." 
no no no 

i sent out this random text message to basically everyone under 25 and in miami from my phonebook and i got atleast 6 replies. i'm sending out facebook messages..geeeeez
i don't even deserve the money i'm making.. whatever. i'll just deposit it into my savings.

i'm closing saturday and sunday which ruins .. i got really mad, and terrible foot cramps on saturday..i sampled tea outside of teavana for SEVEEENNNNN hours.. i swear if i had to describe a jasmine dragon phoenix pearls tea one more time... 
i'd just deal with it.

here i have another story

i met up with my friend today 
i didn't like what i was seeing or hearing so i asked her to hop in the next car over..
first bad vibe was the kid in the passenger seat kept looking out the window and i told him to look at me and i almost fainted that i was doing shit with such sketchy kids. next the kid in the back rolls down his window and then i felt my heart pumping.
"hi i'm tony" i started laughing "oh i know who you are what the fuck hi i'm tony? you know who i am"
" no no, i have no recollection" i looked at my friend "is this kid fucking for real?" 

that little shit i saw in the back almost got my friend arrested a few months back and i got all mouthy with him (it was the weirdest reaction).. i really thought i was going to punch him "DO I KNOW YOU?"

i left and told her if she wants to get arrested she's 3 steps ahead ...

i was so fucking pissed .. i haven't been that pissed off in a long while.. how do you try to fuck someone over at a game they're better at?????? i hate that shit

anyways

i had an interesting weekend..
i'm looking forward to a not so interesting week of early release ()=)

and i have nothing more to ramble about except for who knew away messages could be an indirect way of communication? i guess that's the point 

and the point is

everyone has that one mistake, and that one regret, that one person that makes them crazy and do things they wouldn't do now ..until you wake up and realize it was just another learning experience and you get over it

i just made 60 dollars in 5 minutes :-)

It's risky, but how else do ya make extra cash...
(and it's definitely not what you're thinkin')

Last night was pretty depressing for me. When I get that depressed I feel my shoulders get really heavy and I just feel... well, depressed.

20 minutes of a silent conversation with my dad, he indirectly tells me he doesn't want me living with him after i graduate. what does he expect me to do? well i know what he expects- but I don't think he realizes I haven't had the stability of everyone else who got accepted to upenn and michigan...and that's not my fault.

it doesn't help when at the end of the day all he can do is be disappointed in me. does he honestly think that this is easy on me? it's my life i'm struggling with. the thing is though--- i'm fine. i'm just taking a back road. i'm going into university through the side door, not the front. he did it..so can I. like he makes a fucking effort during the day to ask what he can do. he doesn't want me to stay in miami. I don't blame him. I don't want me to stay in miami either. I have so many negative ties down here with my past and people it'd be great to start fresh. start over.. 

so i'll have to work more hours than i have been which i like. this is just overwhelming!

i'm just so confused. i'm supposed to be right?

i have another class on my schedule!!!!

it's not a biggie, but it sucks. computer applications.

so i'm not the only one in the world who got defered from some schools like I thought I was, and i'll be with some pretty cool people if i choose FIU over a community college...........it will be like hillel, but not hillel.
and where do i go? el south campus or north?

i don't want to live at home!!! that'd be pretty funny to have a dorm at north...

argh

ohh this school is hilarious and the bell's going to ring in ...5..4..3..2...

What a nice greeting to aim.com

heath ledger found dead amid sleeping pills???

that's pretty fuckin' random . god i'm sorry.

death is probably the one thing that scares me most. Especially since Morris just passed. How unfair was that... really.

I'm in shock. I hate being surrounded by it.

Today was a completely fucking shitty day. I did not want to be at school the whole time. I couldn't wait to leave and I couldn't shut the fuck up in English class. I just don't like school. I can't wait to get the fuck out and graduate.
But I did love work today.

Man it was such a rush I had so much fun. When I left, I actually felt like I had accomplished something, (even though I do techniqually work harder at Starbucks.)
It's a lot harder than I thought to reel people into your store.

Like I almost had those fishies biting my line, and they were nibbling. So close, SO CLOSE, and they swam away.
mother fuckers

I am so tired

Today was such a beautiful day. I got all cozzied up and went to Greynolds and followed a really very green, beautiful, isolated trail(almost something you'd see out of Ferngully) where I wouldn't be bothered or caught and I had a good time with just myself. It was a nice opportunity to clear my head and prioritize.


If I go to FIU, then i'll still be in this environment. I'll still being doing my everyday things. There's no point to live at North campus, and I think i'd take advantage of a dorm at South Campus just so I can live there when I don't want to be home. 
or

I can move to another state with Siobhan. and go to community college. gain residency, transfer to state.

How am I going to find a job that pays enough to support myself with everything????

why did I fuck around all these years?

 man oh man. don't ever think that by getting high and doing yoga, you're getting more in touch with yourself.

because you'll just get nauseous and light headed. 

my work got cut short by my dad tonight at Teavana. he hates me working, hates it.
He really just needs to back off already. I love to work and that shit is gonna cause me to lose my job! and i can't afford that right now.

I just need to stare him in the face and say "i got it dad. i have contol over my life and i prioritize" 

leave me alone..........please!!!
i'm not like him, what can i do? can we all just have a little faith that lauren's head really is screwed on pretty tight. 

too  much anxiety

I spent like, an hour in Teavana today chilin' with Stephanie. I'm really excited about it now. I start tuesday and I already have 30 hours. ()=)

  

girls like the bad boys, right?
key word: girls

it drives girls crazy when the nice guys are there, they call, they pay, they take you out... they want you...they don't leave you alone. (what's so bad about this)

why wouldn't that make a girl jump for joy? when should i schedule the MRI

one of the things of growing up, maturity, making that switch in the brain.


time to make a turnover , think outside of the box 

don't date people that think higher of themselves then they do you

I can't stand being at home anymore. I'm going out of my friggin' mind.. and now i'm REALLY unprepared for my midterms. I got defered from some schools because my math is super low and i have the testing to prove it!!! Why can't college's just bend the rules????? WHY NOT FOR ME!!!!

just kidding.. well, (not really)

bring up dat math..30 points.. 30 points was all I needed :(

I got myself fired from the coffee shop to go to the tea shop.. well, i didn't purposely get myself fired... 
see,

starbucks has been pissing me off for the last couple of months. my manager was a cocky little shit, (well he still is), and i'll be thankful if never have to ever hear again from some 70 year old plastic barbie doll in a juicy jumpsuit demanding me for  a 2 pump sugar free vanilla 3/4 decaf 2%  light whip 200 degree latte. 
Starbucks really is disgusting.

Though working in AVENTURA mall is going to be no different i'm sure... when they feel like being organic i'm sure they'll come to annoy me about what tea will help them age less. 

OH, so back to my story.

Teavana hired me a few hours before my shift, and I suddenly felt free. free from starbucks. so i didn't go.. but i did call!!! and i got no call backs.
come saturday i just didn't feel like going and i get the voicemail that afternoon.

after i called him back explaining how sick i was he tried to get me my job back, i didn't have the balls to tell him but finally he said he couldn't. in the end, he told me he'd put me back in the system as rehirable after a year and i could use him for reference...

and what happens to me?
i get sick for a fucking week.


I'm looking forward to the next couple of months. 3 less classes and march of the living.. I basically have 3 months left of high school..

It really is an ugly world. It's time to get out of Miami.

I missed 5 midterms this week due to tonsillitis. (Note to self: Don't get drunk the day before midterms). i sound like i suffer from emphazima and my throat is on fire. I have no appetite and my temperature has been fluctuating between 99 and 102 for almost 3 days.

Ughghg!!!! SOME parents just simply can't handle things... speaking of, I need to call my mother back.

next semester, THANK GOD i'm going to finally have 3 free periods, which is a whole lot better then 12 classes i'm struggling to keep up with now.. I tell my dad and what do I get??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

DISSAPOINTMENT - does this even make sense?

You would think after my whole K-12 SCHOOL CAREER the last thing he would care about before I graduate high school is taking MORE classes to keep myself busy?

fuck that.

NO WAY

I am not taking anymore classes then I have to, i'm already graduating with 31 credits so screw graphic design.
I just can't understand what he's mad about!! i know, $20,000 for shit. Ok, not shit. but close to it. It's not MY fault i'm getting rid of classes thats what happens when you take and only need semester classes.. does someone want to tell him that because he wont hear it from me?

He's smirking in front of me and I can't help but become fucking irate because if anything pisses me off, it's when people don't take me seriously, when i'm TRYING to be serious. 
Besides, I want to start working and making my own money again!! i miss starbucks!! :( 

Anyway, I did body forging then zumba today with Vera and we went to eat at Asaka... I had tempura ice cream and lots o' sushi..but i'm really full. Then i went to my school for a "poetry slam" which was kind of nice..

I can't wait for thanksgiving break, anything to get away from those teachers!!!! 

I have to go study chumash. test. tomorrow..............